Saturday, June 18, 2011

Many questions, few answers, unlimited blessings.

so I've been struggling. I try to lighten every situation and post only random shallow hilariousness for this blog, but when I'm alone and I let myself start to think- it's a black hole!
This blog post might not be what I normally write but it's my blog so "i do what i want."
I have many blessings. I don't want you to read this and think I'm seeing my life as a total lost cause- I'm just venting- which really means just whining.
I myself am going to sock myself in the face for being such a debbie-downer... or marissa-melancholier or whatever the right alliteration is.
But this blog is a type of journal and it wouldn't be too real of a journal without addressing some real hang ups and lack of faith issues I have. Plain and simple- i need more faith. I've been studying talks and scriptures on how to gain more faith- if you have any advice that is something I haven't thought of or researched, please share!
I know we can ask God anything in our prayers- and my main question these days is "Why?"
-Why did you not heal my health? You are the perfect healer.
-Why is it more important for me to be here than out in the mission field really helping ppl?
-Why did the doctors mess me up even worse in the mission field?
-Why is BYU saying I have no spot in the fall?
-Why does mail get lost between Brazil and here?
-Why can I tell other people the purpose of life but not find my own?
And I am an RM so I know all the right scriptures. opposition, it's but a small moment, all things for our good, plan of happiness, etc. etc.
I can't even bare to see myself as such a pessimistic whining hopeless foolish lost cause- that's not who I am. But where do I go from here? Just wait until Christmas and hope that Chase's return heals the last aching part of me. No! I will not be dependent on another human for my empty inadequacies. This is between God and me.
Well they say when it gets too hard to stand, kneel. Am I suppose to just go to work, the store, the gas station, church, the doctors- kneeling? Because that's what it feels like I have to resort to. I would look a little- no correction- I would look A LOT ridiculous- but if that's what it took, i'd swallow my pride and do it! I lack patience because I just want to have that amazing, flying-high joy I had on the mission here at home RIGHT NOW!!There is nothing that can describe my longing to be on the mission. Nothing. I've been filling my life with busy activies: took up the piano again, french studies, writing, scrapbooking, swimming, weight lifting, eating, dieting, not eating at all, french films, writing missionaries, teaching, tanning, sleeping, concerts, baking, shopping, etc. But nothing can fill this void- I know the atonement and time will do their miracle but until then... I think I've lost my mind.
Maybe blogging about things that are of actual importance in my life could help me get through this. Therapy. Have some funny blogs, have some deep blogs. They might make people uncomfortable because screening my thoughts isn't a strong suit of mine. 
I am the kind of gal that loves change. I thrive on it- except when it's a change I cannot control.
examples: coming home from my mission, mail getting lost, getting dumped (which i've never actually experienced), a death, a chronic illness, unwanted rain, a flat tire, other people's choices.
A lot of this deep soul searching crazy over analyzing intensity has come from me really getting into reading. which causes me to really get into writing. This week I've finished the hunger games, eat-pray-love, and the fourth book of work and the glory. All of these books have caused me to seriously reflect. I know it might seem crazy but my imagination and placing myself in these books was so real!
-What kind of complicated love web have I intagled myself in?
-How strong is my testimony?
-How much could I endure?
-Would I ever be selfish enough to hurt everyone I love for my own short-sighted perspective?
-Is the government reading and hearing everything?
-Would I be able to let go?
-Would I believe him if I was there?
and it all can be brought back to my weakness- asking the question WHY??
Well I think the answer I've come up with for now is this: the little voice in my head says: "You cannot find all the answer now, so just shut up, buck up, and get up!! There is so much beauty in the world and you haven't failed at everything! Stop embarassing yourself and get grateful!"
So here is my grattitude list:
The love in my life- from God, my family, Chase, Chase's family, friends, acquaintances, and those I'm unaware of I'm sure.
The health I do have and the days I've had and the day I have now. It's really not that bad! And if I die- I'll be healed and whole- so it's not that scary!
My knowledge, wisdom, experience, and strength in the gospel.
My job.... and I'll graduate (eventually).
My talents I have and the ones I'll develop.
I got to go to the temple this week and find some serious clarity.
I have had many prayers answered throughout my life.
I have heard God's voice and plan!
Even though it's not my perfect dream, I know God's will is for me to be here right now. If I didn't know that for myself, then I'd really be unhinged!
I know God lives. I know his gospel is all over the place and in many churches and that his complete priesthood is in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
This country is still semi-Christian based and God-fearing! for now! and I'll keep spreading the good news to keep that going.
I have many temporal comforts and needs met... that make the other problems easier.
I've experienced the best 6 months ever- touring and sharing and loving everyone on Temple Square. I wouldn't trade that for anything- even if I have to go through this psychological craziness because it was ONLY six months!! At least I had those SIX months!!

Ok well believe it or not- I feel better! I've "vented" (aka whined) and found some healing in making a short grattitude list! I'm going to go write more down!
When upon life's billows you are tempest toss..... count your many blessings. And when that doesn't succeed, take a nap :)

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