back to school. back to school. to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool! I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope i don't get in a fight. ohhhh back to school.
so yesterday i walked into one of my superior's office at work and he was watching this clip on youtube- hilarious. he said "i need to memorize this song." who knows why? but the sad thing was- that i did have that song memorized already. oh billy madison.
but this song applies directly to how i'm feeling this week. my Dad plays a HUGE role in my school. not only supporting me mentally and financially- but he (and my mom) has instilled in me that a woman in our society must get an education. we must have that to fall back on even if we want to be a "stay-at-home-mom." we cannot depend on a man to be there for every circumstance God might have in store. my dad has many sisters. he has seen how important it is now for his daughters to have education. some pressure comes from him but i put most of the pressure on myself (because i know what i want and i know what others want from me.) but to be honest- at this point...... i am soooooooo frustrated with school. people (aka faculty) keep telling me i should do this and this and it puts off graduation for another semester. then another semester.
i can admit that i used to be fired up and stoked to be a high school teacher for five years at least when i graduated. but at this point. i just want my diploma so i can move on from byu, have this degree in my pocket as a backup plan, and start a family. i am excited to have children! but i'm trying to fulfill some of my plan, too. why do my plans never work! classic. i've been in school since June 2007! yes i took a year break in 2009 (study abroad doesn't help you get towards graduation p.s...... but it was totally worth it!) and a year break the next fall 2010- winter 2011 for the mission. but regardless- i feel i should be out of school already and last night i was a wreck. poor chase- he has the flu and his silly wife was balling and spiraling out of control. so he was the one comforting me. i'm tired of not being up to par in my french. i work hard, i get tutors, i listen to the french radio, i volunteer at the mtc for french, i buy tons of french movies, i study like crazy, etc. etc. but i never seem to succeed the way i wish. i had a baby breakthrough yesterday with my way of thinking. i was in the jkb bathroom and praying/crying. i finally realized that my whole life i've been the best at most things. a lot comes from watching my siblings be amazing and just knowing that was the standard (caleb is a hiccup- hahaha jk i love that kid. but he is unique :) aren't we all though!) always thinking you are the best and should be the best..... that is a form of pride. but more than that- i have let my self esteem be reflected on being the smartest, the fastest at soccer, having more experience, having the best grades, being the most cultured, having this and that. and so- this french struggle has rocked my world. yes it's important to get A+'s but it doesn't define me- i just am going to need to work even harder, know i did MY best, and have more faith in God. He's fluent in French, you know. Amen.
anyways. there's my little rant. and that is LITTLE compared to the earful chase got yesterday. he is such a good husband and has the patience of (whatever animal/example has the most patience......) a POW. that's a good one! anyways. let's lighten this post up.
p.s. it's only day 3. i normally do feel overwhelmed the first week of classes- but i'll get back to you in a couple weeks and i'm sure i'll feel right at home. i guess talking to madame thompson can always be intimidating and shake a person up.i have a meeting with the director of french teaching so hopefully that gives me some more answers and solid plans.
so this week has been so crazy that i haven't even blogged about sunday night! which was amazing!
I went to church by my lonesome cuz poor chase was sick. That was interesting to sit alone in sacramanet! my CTR 5 class was adorable! Just two girls came and they were all over me and cuddling during sharing time. I was trying to get them to be reverent in their own chairs but i was a magnet. then that brought some sunbeams over to wanna sit on my lap. but it wasn't too disruptive. i finally bribed them with the CTR rings i brought for them - so they would sing during singing time and get ready for our primary program next month!
our lesson was on love one another. so we wrote cards to those we love.
really cute in opening program. i told them Brother Anderson couldn't come today because he was very sick. and in the prayer someone blessed the sick and they gasped and opened their eyes to stare at me. then in class they said "i know Brother Anderson will get better because Dustin prayed to God he would." simple faith. amazing.
after all the gratitude, insecurities, and struggles in this post- these nails cheer me up!
i do know who i am. and need never to forget who that really is! that comes from a spiritual foundation.
and there are some things that are just "so marissa" aka wild colors and fearless weirdness in style!
but my standing with God and my husband and family- those come first! school is important, too. i'll figure this out. so until next time! adieu.