in fact the past month- i have had horrible, weird, disturbing, detailed, never ending (hint this is a long dream post), always different ( never repeat the nightmare again) NIGHTMARES.
they are so detailed and emotional that i feel like i'm living multiple lives!
so on the way to work today while i was dropping chase off at school, i shared with him my nightmare from last night. ever since i retold it, i've been analyzing it.
i always do that with my dreams/ nightmares- try to figure out where they stemmed from and how this one dream came from many combinations of my life. they are always a mix of a thousand things made into one story.
so here's a rundown of the dream:
i just married chase and then got called on a mission to Germany.
i'm in Germany, learning the language, doing my best, only understanding like 70% of the German, and missing Chase.
some elders in the mission had an uprising and killed the mission presidency in Germany- then they appointed themselves to be the new mission presidency.
then they made a new rule. every transfer, one of us missionaries would be killed.
i work even harder to learn the language and share the gospel- so there would be no target on my back next transfer.
we all meet for transfer meeting and we are on top of a cliff. on the edge behind the new mission presidency are somebody bags (which contain the old mission presidency) the new elder mission presidency then say they are going to throw off these bodies and the one person they have selected to die this transfer. they say Sister Anderson. luckily there are like 5 Sister Andersons so i hope they mean someone else. but of course they meant Sister Marissa Anderson.
So i step forward like i'm going to comply..... and then just take off running and dive off the cliff into the ocean. i started swimming for the other shoreline like crazy. the second counselor of the presidency (the huge trained guy from district 1 from hunger games) starts shooting me in the water and throwing ninja stars and chucking an axe at me. the axe hits me in the shin and there is a huge gash. but i keep swimming.
but i still make it to austria (apparently there is a body of water between germany and austria now) luckily some people in austria speak german and i am able to get by and survive. i'm wandering around in a jewish ghetto and trying to get a hold of Chase via my iphone. (while still searching for people to share the gospel with)
I finally get a hold of Chase and he keeps saying he's busy and i need to focus on the mission- i'm trying to explain to him that the mission has gone apostate! i'm freaking out and he says the reception is bad and he can't hear me. he hangs up on me. so i call my mom's cell phone and chase answers (apparently he is staying with my parents while i'm gone- ok......) and he won't give the phone to my mom and says the reception is too bad and to call later. i am freaking out and getting so livid with him! the church has gone corrupt and people are trying to kill me!
i finally decide to head back to germany and try to steal a plane ticket from the mission office (ok?!) and just fend for myself since the church is unaware of our problem, none of the other missionaries are freaking out like me, and chase can't hear me via phone. i get to the mission office and i bump into another transfer meeting going on. everyone is eating lunch and socializing. i try to blend in and sneak by. but then, i see the third counselor of the mission president and run up to him (smart!).
i ask him why they chose me and what i could do to get this target off my back?
this is what he said "does the name shelby ring a bell?" and i'm flabbergasted: "this is about my sister?"
and he says "yes."
and i say "how could she possibly be related to this desire to kill me?"
and he spits back at me "she dated all of our older brothers. she broke their hearts. and the mission president's older brother ended up killing himself because of his heartache over her."
and i start screaming "that's not my fault. and besides, shelby is a different person now. she's not that high school girl. she'd never do that anymore. and i'm sure she'd call all your brothers and apologize if it meant saving my life and healing their hearts."
and then he screams "she stole their virtue"
and i retort "that is a lie because she kept the law of chastity until she got married. she's happily married now and so am i- can we please have some mercy."
and cody brading (hahahah i hope shelby is reading this. what the? from second grade for me and middle school age for her?? ) cody brading, who is the third counselor that i've been talking to this whole time but just now realized it was actually him, says "well i'm glad you two are happy while our brothers are depressed."
and i start crying! i say- "what if i just leave the mission and you never see my face again- won't that be better than killing me? you don't wanna break commandments!"
cody said "you'd leave a mission early just to save your life? how disgraceful to God"
and i say "i'd do it!"
and he leaves me in the room (like from the The First 48 questioning police interrogation room) and says he'll talk to the rest of the presidency and then he will come back and tell me their verdict.
AND THEN I WOKE UP! what happened to me? what was my fate? what was their verdict? i'll never know. because i hardly ever repeat dreams.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?
let me break some of it down for you.
1. germany: i was struggling with german and that's how i feel with French nowadays
2. i was called to a mission SO close to France but still not French speaking at all. showing my inner desire to go to a french speaking mission! but never obtaining it.
3. I watched monte cristo (chateau d’if)- so that is where the 'throwing bodies off the cliff' scenario came from
4. when we had a bonfire last friday with chad- we were afraid the axe was going to go into his shin as he chopped wood- hence the axe going into my shin
5. the holocaust museum from Washington d.c. brought up the whole jewish ghetto scenario in austria
6. chase always losing his phone and not being available when i need to get a hold of him- my frustrated subconscious shining through
7. chase and me playing reversed roles as I served a mission and he stayed close with my family while I was gone (which is what i did with his family while he was in brazil)
8. the Shelby scenario- I don’t even know. Maybe I need to forgive and forget more of her past and our past? Haha what the heck? But why do I care that she was a dating machine back in the day? So was I in high school. Idk strange. I’m still figuring that one out. that really threw me for a loop in the dream. it came out of left field- which makes it that much more funny!
9. those depressed ex boyfriends? I believe a lot of ppl from small towns have a hard time of letting go of the past because they don't really move away and it's always in their face- so these ex boyfriends of Shelby still act like she is their whole world 15 years later after the fact and clearly she has moved on. Bahaha.
10. I watch The First 48 too much and am scared of ever being interrogated by the police because they trick you with your words all the time.
11. like every nightmare- like always- hunger games is thrown in there. always.
oh the hunger games. good movie. terrifying nightmares.
12. lastly- the comment of the third counselor saying it is a disgrace leaving a mission early to help your own life (health)- not hard to see where that insecurity stems from.
Those are some of my interpretations. It’s crazy!
the craziest part is how 12 different aspects of my past, my life, and my thoughts are thrown together in one bizarre dream! hahahaha. now that i've been awake for four hours and it's not so real and fresh in my mind- i can laugh at it.