Tuesday, March 5, 2013

my baby hates me

the title might offend you but i say it all the time. so i'm sorry for being offensive. when people ask me how i'm feeling (ppl say that first thing now instead of good morning, hi, how are you or what's up) it's always just "how you feelin, maris?" and i just reply "my baby hates me" and they laugh but look a little uncomfortable. but i'm not a bad mother already i just think it could be true. but i hope it's not. i love this baby and i'm sure this baby loves me- (s)he just has a funny way of showing it. (s)he is just teaching me how to be tough, i suppose!
what a day today has been! i was sick all morning- finally made it to work (two hours late)- and stayed at work the whole day till my class at 4! i feel like i force myself to be strong and healthier when i'm at work- so after my early morning hours of misery at home, i figured my best chances to having a healthy day was by staying at work- the money was a deciding factor, too :)
then i gritted my teeth through my civ lit class. came home. more sickness. and read goethe's faust- intense! chase is at work and i miss him. i'm just feeling so much love for him right now!
i've had a rough time emotionally (i blame the pregnancy and also the fact that i'm trying to mature- becoming a mother will do that to you. i'm scared and also glad that motherhood happens one day at a time and it's not like tomorrow i'll wake up with four screaming teenagers or something!) anyways. i've had a rough time emotionally trying to de-stress my life and become a better person. gossip less. be more independent. try to put make up on. you know- the important things.
and i am so grateful for Chase. he has finally come to realize that my crazy self is hardly ever personal yet he has the pleasure of putting up with the crazy . he used to rebuttal "stop. don't take this out on me" but now he just rebuttals "i'm so sorry, my love. i'm sooooo sorry you're sick, my love." he really is quite wise! and such a sweetie! he jokes (i hope he's joking) that he is going through just as much as i am with this pregnancy.
but honestly- he doesn't have it easy. and there is a direct correlation with how sick i am = how rude i am. i have learned a lot over the last couple months and have learned how to better cope- but it is still hard. especially the last five days. i left kelly's house (it was sooooo good to see you/her!) and it was all downhill from there. the sickest period thus far. i'm sure tomorrow will be a turning point- but for now- my toilet is spotless. i have the habit of meticulously cleaning my toilet as i'm getting sick in it. it's never been cleaner! chase is overparanoid about taking me to the hospital- but he just might have to soon. i don't want my baby in danger. my personal rule: if i can keep one meal down a day, i tell myself the baby is hydrated. well, we'll see if this dinner stays down!
but through all this complaining- i'm really grateful for my medicine! i ran out the other day for like half a day and i could really tell a difference. there is a difference from being sick to being REALLY sick. and as i'm becoming stronger, i'm learning to be more and more grateful constantly about being pregnant! it's becoming real and i'm so happy to be pregnant! and as far as i know, my baby is healthy and having a splendid time swimming around and growing- what a little miracle. i'm hearing the heartbeat friday :) chase and i can't wait! also, sidenote, i feel the fatness coming (i'm sure it's mental and just on my mind b/c my babycenter email yesterday said women start gaining weight around this week and showing a belly over the next couple weeks.) i haven't gained weight technically and i can still fit normally into all my clothes and i really do look the same- but i'm starting to wear fat goggles or something b/c i feel huge. the female mind is a scary place. the pregnant female mind is just disturbing.
p.s. i've been having "pregnant dreams" aka they've been harmful, wild, weird, disturbing, and too exciting. apparently it's a symptom. i'd like it to stop b/c i always wake up disturbed.
anyways. i wanted to blog to blab about chase and now i'm blabbing about being pregnant. get used to it :) all my posts will be pregnant talk for the next six months i'm guessing. then after that it will be baby talk. i've accepted it.


Kerri Andersen said...

oh man i TOTALLY feel for you...i may venture to say that i know EXACTLY how you feel. i was SO SO sick for 5 months and my rudeness was directly correlated with my sickness level. haha. i promise it gets better! i was sick a lot longer than most women (and I'm still sick if i don't take medicine) but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel :) sorry you have to be so sick though, it just sucks.

Lacey said...

I'm also sorry you've been so sick! You've got to love pregnant dreams. Mine were always so violent - stabbing Phil, shooting Phil, cutting Phil's head off with an axe. Not even joking. I'm glad that you've put make-up right up there on your priorities - I should learn from that :)

Genevieve Larsen said...

Do you take anything? You can get meds in an IV if you are sick enough that it's changing your quality of life. It's true that everyone gets sick but don't be afraid of seriously talking to your doctor. It's a real problem to be much more ill than normal during a pregnancy and if you literally can't function than you may need extra help. Hope that it passes quick!

Melissa Rampton said...

I had super violent dreams throughout the first half of my pregnancy, and then dreams that the world was ending in the second half. Now I have no dreams. But it's probably because I don't get enough consecutive hours of sleep to dream... Jk. Kind of.