Monday, April 28, 2014

temple tulips

this weekend we had some beautiful moments at temple square and at chase's great-grandma's viewing and funeral.

a great letter was read from "Tom" (aka President Monson) - her next door neighbor. He really knew and loved her. And Frances was her vt and close close friend. Sweet stories.
And a quote from President Eyring: (1) if we knew how close those on the other side of the veil were, we would be shocked at how involved they are in our lives.  (2) the reunion in heaven when we pass on is one of the greatest parties and joyful moments.
Funerals make you evaluate your life and how you will be remembered.
a lot to be grateful for, be proud of, and improve on.

moral of the weekend:
Families can, are, and will be together forever. 

our perfect little bundle of joy

Chase refused to get his pants wet. 
Capri makes the pic!!

2 years ago we were among these same tulips as bride and groom.
anniv is on saturday!!
I can't wait for our weekend getaway that Chase is planning. much needed aka wanted!
and capri will have a ball with her grandparents!

these beloved grandparents. 
and capri's little grin!! and the matching sisters. 

pictures taken everywhere. 
chase was thrilled. 

aunt ci ci and her girls

chad, kina, charlotte, chantelle

maybe a little temple square sister in the making. i can dream :)

my happy place with my happy people

we are loving spring. 
we are excited chase finishes finals this week. 
and for all our summer has in store. 
and today i started training for a 10 K that i hope i can run June 27. glow stick midnight provo trail run.
slowest 2.5 miles this evening but at least i got out there and jogged it!

Saturday, April 26, 2014




Mike Wazowski. 
Who wore it best?
Grant vs. Chase

To infinity and beyond, Buzz


Another who wore it best?
I personally like Chase's flower but my Ariel's cleavage. 
Marissa vs. Chase


Snow white

Owl always love you!

Lighten the load

Some helpful things that have brightened my week and made my heaviness feel lighter.

Amanda's call and concern.
Graduation dinner celebration with Kerri, Jeff, and Janie.
Kirsten brought me dinner that was homemade chicken makhani! Incredible and now a new fav recipe.
Julie's understanding texts and calls.
Chase has been texting me multiple times a day checking in when he is away. Always appreciated.
Skyping sesh with Mom, Dad, and the Mills.
My sister and her daily contact.
A surprise flower delivery from Mary.

Megan sharing her love in a tender message.
All the comments and support on social media.
Late night phone call with Kina.
Shopping sleep over with Ciara.

Lunch with Kelly, Becca, and Annie.
My electricity went out this evening and it gave me over an hour to just play, read, and sing with Capri.
Chase and his constant effort to relate, comfort, and be by my side.
Scripture study, personal prayer, and family prayer with Capri every night.

There is so much to be grateful for!

And i'm excited that tomorrow is the Sabbath.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

the unthinkable

every morning this week, I have woke up crying and wishing it wasn't true. i roll over and hug chase. and his normal grumpy morning self has been MIA this week as he has pulled me close and hugged me back. Even if we are grieving differently and not always sure how to comfort the other, I am so grateful for Chase AND especially grateful for Capri at this time. She brings me instant comfort and joy.

as a woman, i think we all worry about miscarriages and infertility. and it horrifies me that this is happening to me. it has been one of the most traumatic experiences, but i have felt God's presence so strongly through it all.

if the bitter cup does not pass,
drink it and be strong,
trusting in happier days ahead
-jeffrey r. holland

this can be very overwhelming and heartbreaking- so if you are pregnant or feeling depressed- idk if i would read further.

i am sharing for my future self. when i feel hysteria and confusion overtaking me over the next couple days, weeks, months, who knows how long- i can look back on this post and see clarity and support.

and i want to share it now so i can heal and not have to re-hash so deeply in the future.

It all started Monday morning. I came home from my BYU job and in between jobs I started spotting. VERY lightly. I told D that I needed to go to the doctor and I'll be late for my shift. (i was actually back in time bc there wasn't much the doctor could do except take my blood and check a few other things and tell me to go home and lie down the rest of the day with my feet up.) They said all blood work and spotting pointed to signs of a miscarriage so i needed to be extra careful and take it easy. I was a wreck but thankfully work was super slow and Chase was home and I could lie down the rest of the day.

Tuesday, I had to go to BYU to distract myself (it's a desk job.) and I drank a lot of water and tried to relax. It was so frustrating with the hours passing by and the bleeding wasn't stopping. I was just screaming in my head for it to stop and maybe everything would be okay. I remember specifically on the car ride to BYU that morning, I was crying and praying that I could just use pure force with a touch of a miracle to make the bleeding stop- but then a sense of peace told me that God was with me.
I came home a little early to get a nap in before my next job. Around 1 pm the pain hit me. I hadn't had any pain up to this point, but it hit me hard. The first hour was bad cramping. The second hour was contractions. Painful and increasing worse and worse every two minutes.

I hoped it would go away as I drank more water. But by 2:30- it was impossible. I called D and apologized (bc she just got off work) and asked her to come back. I had to go to the doctor. I was making some calls to find someone to take me to the doctor bc the pain was so bad that I could not drive and could not really get Capri ready to go to the doctor with me.

Oh P.S. Chase was in the middle of taking a final- so that was perfect. But I called him and just said the pain was getting worse and I was going to go to the doctor to check it out. I tried to sound really calm bc I didn't want him to bomb his final.

I finally got a hold of my mother-in-law and she was at work but said she would call and send Ciara down immediately. I am a bawling mess bc I know this wasn't going to get better. As I'm on the phone with Julie, the doorbell rings and I was falling apart at the seams. I told Julie that someone was at the door and I'm on shift so I needed to help the customer.

I hung up the phone and wiped my face some.

I walk to the front door and there is precious CIARA and her friend Sydnee with their faces pressed against the glass trying to make me laugh. I couldn't believe it. She couldn't have just come a minute to soon. I immediately started bawling again and Ciara and Sydnee started freaking out as I unlocked and opened the door. "What's wrong? What's wrong?"
"As soon as D gets here, I need you to take me to the doctor."
And then I went on in gratitude telling her I can't believe she just showed up. I didn't think I could cope by myself for a second longer. Ciara said that she had the strongest impression to come see me and see how I was doing. She had finished her last final and was heading home when she told Sydnee she needed to come see me and say hi to Capri. It was INCREDIBLE. One of the most spiritual experiences bc I knew right then and there when I saw Ciara standing on my doorstep that God was aware of my pain and all that was happening in my little world.

Long story short, we went to the doctor and trauma is the only word I can use to describe the rest of my afternoon.
Ciara, Sydnee, and Capri were in the waiting room while I was in the back- which was definitely for the best.

I started gushing blood and blood clots in the middle of the bathroom at the doctor's office. I called for some nurses and I left the door unlocked so they could come in and mop up the mess and help me. Everyone was running around like crazy. (I also must say i LOVE my doctor and how well they handled me just showing up in a craze at their office in the middle of the afternoon.) Anyways, I'm waiting in the bathroom for some towels and what not WHEN a pregnant woman walked in to leave her urine sample and she started having a breakdown bc someone was miscarrying right in front of her eyes. I'm bawling hysterically but still trying to comfort her.

Then after blood tests, shots, ultrasounds, etc..... I was up at the Anderson's later that evening with Chase. We were in the bathroom changing my clothes and cleaning me up some more when I passed the actual little fetus, sack, and chord. I didn't try to get a good look at the fetus, but it was in there. I was told it might be unrecognizable but that wasn't the case for us. I was farther along than they thought bc the sack was the size of a plum (they weren't sure bc my blood tests and pregnancy has been so up, down, and abnormal. now we know why. and why i probably wasn't ever sick.)
But I gained a strong testimony that this little body couldn't keep growing and fighting in this world. You would think I would have been horrified, but it was a very tender moment and I was relieved to know for sure that this baby wasn't in any pain now and the worst was over.

only the Master knows the depths of our trials,
our pain and our suffering. 
He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity... 
whether it is the best of times or the worst of times.
He has promised that this will never change. 
-Thomas S. Monson

I have shared A LOT and there is still more to tell. But that's enough for now as I'm still processing, grieving, and clinging to my faith.

I know God has a plan for me, my family, and He can teach me later about miscarriages.

For now, I know that time, the atonement, and my covenants can get me through to happier days.
As I keep a perspective, I can function. But when I let myself go to those dark places, it gets pretty lonely.
I have gotten through many hard days in the past and I can do it again. I am so grateful for the little tender mercies the past few days and especially for my mom, shelby, julie, chase, capri, and CIARA. they have been answers to prayers and they have been God's hands this week.
even with the constant agony, i have felt the constant calm and peace of the Spirit simultaneously. it's been a weird combination, but I am so grateful.

I feel blessed that i am coming closer to the Lord during this trial rather than retreating into myself. If that baby actually had a spirit (which I feel strongly that it did/does), then they are in the best place and I just need to come to terms with that. My planning mind needs to be rewired and I need to move forward. I am grateful for this gospel, the angels around me, and the hope for the future.

when upon life's billows you are tempest toss
when you are discouraged thinking all is loss
count your many blessings name them one by one
-hymn 241


Monday, April 21, 2014

Easter Spring Festival

We had a great Easter weekend. 
I actually had a little breakdown because Chase had to work Sunday so I had Capri solo for three hours at church and she was being a pill. So I really missed a lot of church as I was walking her in the halls. But I was able to have some personal worship and the spirit of Easter was abound! I also had some time to just talk and look at Capri. I don't do that enough! So it wasn't a total loss. 
And p.s. it was a good thing I was asked to give the closing prayer in sacrament (which is the last hour for us.) because otherwise I might have just thrown my hands up and left. 
We also had fun at T&T's with some other friends playing games last night. 

And now....
In the "freakiest American tradition" side of Easter (to quote my British friend.) I will share with you the not so spiritual side of Easter. We also enjoyed that VERY much. 

Saturday we went to the Rock Canyon Spring Festival. Everything was free and there was so much to do. It was the best. 

Pic overload. Ready set go. 

start off with some lovely snap chats to brighten your day. 
scrooge bro and bunny husband.

oh and these beauties of capri. she's always hogging the show.
ps as you can see- her hair can be a challenge (so many calics [sp?])  and that's Chase's fav. 
and when i put in effort- it's still cute and my fav!!

ok now to the festival. we babysat our neighbor Saturday night, so the festival was fun with the kiddos. And our cousin Cody came with and he's our fav. so we were quite the crowd. and had a blast. 

potato sack races. obviously K won.

the three legged race was a struggle, but we completed it!

cute! look at that smile. 

 Never too old to get your pic taken with the Easter Bunny.

or too young
she wasn't too sure about these over sized stuffed animals

hahahah. her face. with the impostor.

the second bird became quite aggressive as she ran up behind K.

she is definitely a Cougar fan like her mamma. sorry, chase.

Chase's race on a lawn mower. He was definitely the winner. 
we also were given free hats. hence.

Pony rides! I thought Capri was too young- she's been doing awesome at sitting up but maybe not quite ready for a pony. K enjoyed it.

i'd say he had a good time with his babysitters!
he loves superheroes! 
 (but, note to self, he doesn't appreciate the word babysitter.) 

a dragon mask for the ferocious K
he got this bc he didn't want his face painted. but he waited patiently while chase took a turn at face painting. hahaha. oh that chase! such a kid at heart.

the adults. but that's debatable.

when we got home we went through our loot and tried not to eat too much candy. and watched Frozen.  Chase got me some great movies "for Easter"! 
The movie ended about 10:15 and i definitely fell asleep by 9:30. i woke up at the end of the movie expecting to see K passed out but no- he was wide awake and stayed up for the whole movie. impressive! he went right to bed after that though and was such a little champ! 

it was an awesome weekend.