Saturday, April 5, 2014

Baby #2?

I don't know why I put a question mark.... because it's been confirmed. over and over again. but i'm still in denial. i feel guilty about wanting to stay in denial- but I have a six month old and am an avid planner. Can you blame me? Am I surprised? Yes. But then again NO- because my plans never work out. Ok "never" is a strong word. But i am feeling STRONG emotions this week. MANY emotions.
Blessed.
Guilt.
Fear.
Sickness (not the pregnancy kind. yet).
Excitement.
Joy.
Gratitude.
Horror.
Sadness.
Judged.
Miraculous.
Loved.
Shocked.
Dread.
Confused.
Alone.
Numb.
Happy.
Supported.
Bipolar.
Anxiety.
Anticipation.
Elated.
Amazing.
So, let's explain how this happened. You see.... when a man loves a woman..... and the woman thinks she's safe bc she's on her period..... and she calculates her ovulation.... and gives the green light when she's convinced she could not get pregnant....... she gets pregnant. Where was I during sex ed? But nevertheless, this is not my plan. Well, it wasn't, but now it is. I have to believe that God planned this all along. I've accepted it and the negative feelings are subsiding and the joyful grateful feelings are growing.
I never once feared having a newborn/baby. I've always been excited about that. I know two will be different, but I have loved one! I am so excited for another baby.
What I have feared.....(1) being pregnant [mine was rough last time. really rough. but i want a clean slate bc no two pregnancies are the same and i need to hope for the best. But if it does suck, i want to prove to myself that i can cope with it better this time] and (2) how much my marriage has already been through with a year of pregnancy/newborn on our heels. we are just starting to recover and catch up on our sleep deprivation.
But Chase has been really reassuring, sympathetic, and comforting. But if I'm being honest- he is nothing but EXCITED. he is constantly jumping around, smiling too big, and talking about how great this is. he settles down when he sees my face go green and my eyes watering- but i know how excited he is and that makes me have more confidence.
if he thinks i can handle being pregnant again, then i will believe him.

Perfect timing to be working two jobs. But like i said, the job has been good for my emotions. Also, so so so grateful for D at the storage job. She brings me a lot of comfort and support in taking on this new chapter.

here's to another summer of being a bystander (goodbye, skydiving.) and to another unwanted 10 lbs post baby. but i know i can conquer all my fears and see the good bc a BABY is such a blessing.
i know it's early to announce, but only about 15 people read this blog and i've already told most of you anyways. i've told my fam, chase's fam, my bridesmaids (which is 11 girls right there), kerri (who can include a blanket of people if she shared), and that pretty much covers my blog base. But i know it's still risky to share, but i feel like i need to air out my feelings and share this chapter for my sanity on my blog! And if I ever did miscarry (which is scary to even say), I would be the type to blog and lean on people. Chase said I could blog share but not fbook share- that will come in a couple weeks when everything has progressed more. I already have a cute idea of how I'll announce that. I already feel more grateful after typing what i have this morning, and realize how blessed I am.
so i already explained how it happened.
but let me explain how i found out.
On Monday, I wanted to take some Nyquil (i have had a cold for two weeks. lovely) and I am obsessed with pregnancy tests. So i figured i better just take a test to make sure before I downed the medicine.
say what????? 
that's half a line. maybe that means negative.
i called my sister (the nurse) immediately and asked her what this means (hahah). what are the chances it's wrong? 

then i took another. and another the next day. and the next. and the next. 
hence.
one positive. four negatives. 
maybe the positive is wrong. (even though false positives don't really happen)

P.s. it was april fool's on tuesday so i played a joke on my family bc i took two negatives and one positive. so i didn't really know. no one believed me anyways. well jokes on them. and i guess the jokes on me TOO! 

Capri had her six month check up on Thursday (she's doing great by the way. one reason i feel guilty- capri is enough for me and my pregnancy could impact my mothering routine and skills. i love her so much. but i know the truth so why do i care what others think? i'm human). Anywho, at her appointment, I mentioned it to the doctor of my positive test. She ordered a blood test. Those four hours of waiting for the results weren't too bad bc i was sure it was going to say NO. 
wrong. 
The next day as I was waiting for the follow-up blood test result, i had way more anxiety. What if my HCG is going down? What if they are doubling- then it's totally legit! And I have another HCG blood test Monday. I am very early (5 weeks) and she wants to watch my HCG levels until they are soaring. They are doubling and looking good, but it's still nerve-wracking that she's watching me closely. I hope I only share good news about this pregnancy, but regardless, you're in the loop now. 
I'll be here every week for a while. 

Like i said, I'm still in denial. But I guess this is real. 
Welcome, Baby #2. I can't wait to meet you and to prove to myself that I can handle pregnancy better. 
Please, be good to me! I love you so much already!

P.S. Conference weekend couldn't have come at a better time! Perspective and gratitude has been felt so much this morning already!
Capri and I are on the clock, but it's been dead this morning. So we've been enjoying Conference (Capri, listen to the prophets and stop playing with your toys!) 

Defying me already! She's still as cute as ever. Got enough toys there, sweetcakes?

and I've been multi tasking too. So i shouldn't judge Capri.
I am NOT going through my baby clothes for me. I'm going through them for Becca.
I have so many that Capri didn't even wear them all so I'm donating tons to Becca.
It's a good time to organize and label, too! 

Well, it's a lot to digest. I am taking it a day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. Your prayers and support would be greatly appreciated! 
Chase is stoked. I feel blessed and conflicted. And Capri has no idea what is about to hit her little world.

I am pregnant.
Crazy.

7 comments:

Kelly said...

yessssssssssssss

Cyndi McConnell said...

You may be all mixed emotions, but I'm totally excited for you! You'll get it all under control in no time, until then I'll keep you in my prayers. You're awesome Marissa, and a great Mom! I love all the pictures and posts of your adorable Capri :)

Kerri Andersen said...

haha don't worry! i did tell jeff (duh) but nobody else :)

Hailey N said...

I read every post! And I just sent Annie a text because I'm shocked, but SO excited for you. And also, your baby is the cutest thing. Can't wait for all of your posts to come!!!!

Kirsten said...

Yahoo. Congratulations!! They will be best friends.

Shelby Alisa said...

Ah so exciting!

Stacy Richards said...

The good news is you have enough energy and love for a dozen! And that first one of yours is the cutest thing ever so why not hurry and get another one down here! You will be great.