Thursday, April 24, 2014

the unthinkable

every morning this week, I have woke up crying and wishing it wasn't true. i roll over and hug chase. and his normal grumpy morning self has been MIA this week as he has pulled me close and hugged me back. Even if we are grieving differently and not always sure how to comfort the other, I am so grateful for Chase AND especially grateful for Capri at this time. She brings me instant comfort and joy.

as a woman, i think we all worry about miscarriages and infertility. and it horrifies me that this is happening to me. it has been one of the most traumatic experiences, but i have felt God's presence so strongly through it all.

if the bitter cup does not pass,
drink it and be strong,
trusting in happier days ahead
-jeffrey r. holland

this can be very overwhelming and heartbreaking- so if you are pregnant or feeling depressed- idk if i would read further.

i am sharing for my future self. when i feel hysteria and confusion overtaking me over the next couple days, weeks, months, who knows how long- i can look back on this post and see clarity and support.

and i want to share it now so i can heal and not have to re-hash so deeply in the future.

It all started Monday morning. I came home from my BYU job and in between jobs I started spotting. VERY lightly. I told D that I needed to go to the doctor and I'll be late for my shift. (i was actually back in time bc there wasn't much the doctor could do except take my blood and check a few other things and tell me to go home and lie down the rest of the day with my feet up.) They said all blood work and spotting pointed to signs of a miscarriage so i needed to be extra careful and take it easy. I was a wreck but thankfully work was super slow and Chase was home and I could lie down the rest of the day.

Tuesday, I had to go to BYU to distract myself (it's a desk job.) and I drank a lot of water and tried to relax. It was so frustrating with the hours passing by and the bleeding wasn't stopping. I was just screaming in my head for it to stop and maybe everything would be okay. I remember specifically on the car ride to BYU that morning, I was crying and praying that I could just use pure force with a touch of a miracle to make the bleeding stop- but then a sense of peace told me that God was with me.
I came home a little early to get a nap in before my next job. Around 1 pm the pain hit me. I hadn't had any pain up to this point, but it hit me hard. The first hour was bad cramping. The second hour was contractions. Painful and increasing worse and worse every two minutes.

I hoped it would go away as I drank more water. But by 2:30- it was impossible. I called D and apologized (bc she just got off work) and asked her to come back. I had to go to the doctor. I was making some calls to find someone to take me to the doctor bc the pain was so bad that I could not drive and could not really get Capri ready to go to the doctor with me.

Oh P.S. Chase was in the middle of taking a final- so that was perfect. But I called him and just said the pain was getting worse and I was going to go to the doctor to check it out. I tried to sound really calm bc I didn't want him to bomb his final.

I finally got a hold of my mother-in-law and she was at work but said she would call and send Ciara down immediately. I am a bawling mess bc I know this wasn't going to get better. As I'm on the phone with Julie, the doorbell rings and I was falling apart at the seams. I told Julie that someone was at the door and I'm on shift so I needed to help the customer.

I hung up the phone and wiped my face some.

I walk to the front door and there is precious CIARA and her friend Sydnee with their faces pressed against the glass trying to make me laugh. I couldn't believe it. She couldn't have just come a minute to soon. I immediately started bawling again and Ciara and Sydnee started freaking out as I unlocked and opened the door. "What's wrong? What's wrong?"
"As soon as D gets here, I need you to take me to the doctor."
And then I went on in gratitude telling her I can't believe she just showed up. I didn't think I could cope by myself for a second longer. Ciara said that she had the strongest impression to come see me and see how I was doing. She had finished her last final and was heading home when she told Sydnee she needed to come see me and say hi to Capri. It was INCREDIBLE. One of the most spiritual experiences bc I knew right then and there when I saw Ciara standing on my doorstep that God was aware of my pain and all that was happening in my little world.

Long story short, we went to the doctor and trauma is the only word I can use to describe the rest of my afternoon.
Ciara, Sydnee, and Capri were in the waiting room while I was in the back- which was definitely for the best.

I started gushing blood and blood clots in the middle of the bathroom at the doctor's office. I called for some nurses and I left the door unlocked so they could come in and mop up the mess and help me. Everyone was running around like crazy. (I also must say i LOVE my doctor and how well they handled me just showing up in a craze at their office in the middle of the afternoon.) Anyways, I'm waiting in the bathroom for some towels and what not WHEN a pregnant woman walked in to leave her urine sample and she started having a breakdown bc someone was miscarrying right in front of her eyes. I'm bawling hysterically but still trying to comfort her.

Then after blood tests, shots, ultrasounds, etc..... I was up at the Anderson's later that evening with Chase. We were in the bathroom changing my clothes and cleaning me up some more when I passed the actual little fetus, sack, and chord. I didn't try to get a good look at the fetus, but it was in there. I was told it might be unrecognizable but that wasn't the case for us. I was farther along than they thought bc the sack was the size of a plum (they weren't sure bc my blood tests and pregnancy has been so up, down, and abnormal. now we know why. and why i probably wasn't ever sick.)
But I gained a strong testimony that this little body couldn't keep growing and fighting in this world. You would think I would have been horrified, but it was a very tender moment and I was relieved to know for sure that this baby wasn't in any pain now and the worst was over.

only the Master knows the depths of our trials,
our pain and our suffering. 
He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity... 
whether it is the best of times or the worst of times.
HE IS WITH US. 
He has promised that this will never change. 
-Thomas S. Monson

I have shared A LOT and there is still more to tell. But that's enough for now as I'm still processing, grieving, and clinging to my faith.

I know God has a plan for me, my family, and He can teach me later about miscarriages.

For now, I know that time, the atonement, and my covenants can get me through to happier days.
As I keep a perspective, I can function. But when I let myself go to those dark places, it gets pretty lonely.
I have gotten through many hard days in the past and I can do it again. I am so grateful for the little tender mercies the past few days and especially for my mom, shelby, julie, chase, capri, and CIARA. they have been answers to prayers and they have been God's hands this week.
even with the constant agony, i have felt the constant calm and peace of the Spirit simultaneously. it's been a weird combination, but I am so grateful.

I feel blessed that i am coming closer to the Lord during this trial rather than retreating into myself. If that baby actually had a spirit (which I feel strongly that it did/does), then they are in the best place and I just need to come to terms with that. My planning mind needs to be rewired and I need to move forward. I am grateful for this gospel, the angels around me, and the hope for the future.

when upon life's billows you are tempest toss
when you are discouraged thinking all is loss
count your many blessings name them one by one
-hymn 241

1.....2......

2 comments:

Hailey N said...

You are incredible Marissa. I cannot even imagine what you are going through right now. I always look forward to your blogs, and I don't even understand how you were able to write all of that out. But you made it so clear (or the Spirit did through you), that you and your family have been watched over through this. For Ciara to show up at that time not knowing what was going on was so clearly the hand of God.

While this whole experience is devastating, I hope you are finding peace and comfort through seeing how loved and cherished you are and how much the Holy Spirit wants to love and protect you.

Thinking of you and praying for you this week! (Sorry for the novel)

Shelby Alisa said...

I will be thinking of you and pray that God sends you all you need to get through this difficult time, it sounds like you are handling things very well considering and its wonderful you have such a support team!