Today, I have been feeling blue. It's been happening more than I can publicly admit and it's easy for me to blame it on postpartum troubles or on Chase.
It's not just waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but it has been months of too many bad days.
I have had great memories and great moments over these past months and that's an obvious observation (aka what I post on this blog is full of love and eternal worth). It's crazy to feel down in the dumps when there is so much to be grateful for and so much goodness in my life, right? But there is definitely something going on with me. I almost feel like I have no control over these spiraling emotions.
It is a strength of mine and a weakness of mine that I strive for perfection.
I have controlling tendencies and a standard of perfection. I expect perfection from myself, my spouse, my friends, and my life. It is ridiculous. We live in an imperfect world and I am not perfect.
However, we have hope because we can become perfect in Christ.
I decided that I needed to feel that inner joy that only can come from within your own heart as you feel God's love. So I told myself that I would sit on my bed until I was able to feel that happiness.
I had my scriptures, my ensigns, my journal, my marriage book, my recreational novel, my old mission letters from chase, my patriarchal blessing, and other goodies- I was not budging until my heart opened and let in the Spirit (of course I did have to get up for the doorbell and phone- i am on shift after all). But this hiatus from distractions made for an incredible afternoon.
And Capri cooperated quiet nicely by napping for the last 2 hours and she is still snoozing away.
I didn't know exactly "what" was wrong, but I want this rough patch to end and the only two sources that can make that happen are myself and Deity.
I started off with a prayer spoken out-loud of gratitude and yearning before I turned the pages searching for my answer.
The chapter I read in Alma was enlightening, the visiting teaching message was great, my journal entry was uplifting, my patriarchal blessing spoke to me, and then i reached this article in the Ensign and I truly know my prayers were answered.
I don't feel as lost and hopeless after this gospel study. I heard God's voice and now know how I need to improve.
I hope this article (Becoming Perfect in Christ by Elder Gerrit W. Gong in this July 2014 Ensign) can be an answer to your prayers as it most definitely was to mine.
I would read the WHOLE thing with a prayer in your heart but these are the words I especially needed to hear:
A misunderstanding of what it means to be perfect can result in —an attitude or behavior that takes an admirable desire to be good and turns it into an unrealistic expectation to be perfect
Perfectionism sometimes arises from the feeling that only those who are perfect deserve to be loved or that we do not deserve to be happy unless we are perfect.